According to the ancient Chinese oracle, the Itching, 'change returns success' (except it's in Chinese).
This phrase was later used by that right weirdo Syd Barratt on Pink Floyd's first album, Piper At The Gates Of Dawn, according to the late John Peel, who I remember mumbling about it once in the Radio One FM in Medium Wave canteen back in '69.
Me and the totally loopy DLT were having a bun fight at the time, which was utterly hilarious, so whether he added anything to this is moot. Perhaps that fountain of knowledge Mike Reid was listening further, but I certainly wasn't. I was too busy getting sticky pink icing out of my beard. And I'm a tad too busy to ask Mike at the mo, what with filming 15 episodes of Deal Or No Deal each and every sodding day.
But if I can just come back to what the Itching says.
Change returns success.
Well, yes. Up to a point. But if the 'change' we're talking about is the 50p or 10p that you end up with at the end of a disastrous run on DOND, then change doesn't return success at all.
In fact, it returns a humiliating failure in front of a televisual audience of millions. Plus the two dozen box monkeys having second thoughts about the veracity of your 'system'.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
Wednesday, 14 October 2009
Regrets? I've had a few...
Sometimes when I look back on my fantastic and fantastically successful life, I feel a small twinge of regret. It's not so significant that a quick look at my bank balance can't cure it, but it is there nonetheless. I am aware that sometimes; well. We all make mistakes.
There are things that, had I known then all that I know now, (such as the Awesome Power of Numbers and the importance of a Really Good Cosmic Ordering)... well, perhaps I would have at least paused. Considered. And then done it anyway.
Like, okay. Maybe Mr Blobby was pretty damn zeitgeisty, what with that single being number one for 15 weeks back in 1988 and him being pretty much the most recognizable and loved spotty pink TV star of the decade (barring Rik 'Rick' Mayall off The Young Ones). Yes, his chaotic mishaps were the undoubted highlight of Noel's House Party (except for all the bits with me running around. And the Gotchas). But perhaps he wasn't loved quite enough to justify a nationwide chain of Blobbyland theme parks stretching from Great Yarmouth to Macclesfield.
If only I had gone with my gut instincts and just called them Noeledmundsland, all set inside huge domes, a bit like CenterParks. Except shaped like my head.
I also feel a small, pretty insignificant really, sense of personal responsibility for the alcoholic haze that was Keith Chegwin's life after Maggie Philbin walked out on him. Perhaps if we had followed up Brown Sauce's 'Hello Hello Hello' with another killer choon, artistic differences wouldn't have queered the pitch twixt the two.
But hey, there we are.
Life is short.
And I am not.
In fact, for the record, I am most definitely within average height.
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
NUM83R5
I've recently been trying to get my head around which rule the most- Letters or Numbers.
For sure, Letters are pretty important for communicating things from the very basic, like the rules to Deal Or No Deal, right up to high-falutin' stuff like the brainiacally brilliant Mike Reid's West End musical 'Wilde' that sadly closed after just one night.
"It's all a Numbers Game," he had bemoaned at the time, whilst contemplating the empty rows and rows of seats. And indeed it must have been. For I had read the original script due to being asked if I could help with funding (I couldn't) and frankly it blew Android Webber's drivel out of the proverbial. The Letters were all present and correct with that one. And, presumably, the words.
The number of letters is 26. The freakin same number as the number of boxes on my award-winning Channel 4 Show 'Deal Or No Deal'. And each letter is also a number. In binary.
For sure, Letters are pretty important for communicating things from the very basic, like the rules to Deal Or No Deal, right up to high-falutin' stuff like the brainiacally brilliant Mike Reid's West End musical 'Wilde' that sadly closed after just one night.
"It's all a Numbers Game," he had bemoaned at the time, whilst contemplating the empty rows and rows of seats. And indeed it must have been. For I had read the original script due to being asked if I could help with funding (I couldn't) and frankly it blew Android Webber's drivel out of the proverbial. The Letters were all present and correct with that one. And, presumably, the words.
The number of letters is 26. The freakin same number as the number of boxes on my award-winning Channel 4 Show 'Deal Or No Deal'. And each letter is also a number. In binary.
Saturday, 5 September 2009
But the worst thing about TISWAS, in my opinion, was the parachuting of Lenny Henry to a position of influence.
Lenny Henry? Don't make me laugh, mate. Was that meant to be funny? Hasn't been relevant since way before my last style of beard. Mind you, I wouldn't find much to smile about being hitched to that fat fuck Dawn French. She must weigh about 40 STONES- that's the same number as my current apparent age (40), the unlikelihood of which convinces a lot of hopelessly lost people that there may be something in this Cosmic Ordering thing.
And when was Lenny Henry last on the telly? Having his poster dissed by Rickie Gervais, that's where! Twat!
Lenny Henry? Don't make me laugh, mate. Was that meant to be funny? Hasn't been relevant since way before my last style of beard. Mind you, I wouldn't find much to smile about being hitched to that fat fuck Dawn French. She must weigh about 40 STONES- that's the same number as my current apparent age (40), the unlikelihood of which convinces a lot of hopelessly lost people that there may be something in this Cosmic Ordering thing.
And when was Lenny Henry last on the telly? Having his poster dissed by Rickie Gervais, that's where! Twat!
REALLY BIG NUMBERS
The biggest number in the world is currently unknown and nobody has ever successfully counted
up to it. Yet.
The biggest number I have personally counted to was when I was projecting future royalty payments on my new book about Cosmic Ordering.
So I was quite frankly flabbergasted that, even with lots of experience with big numbers, Endemol cheated me out of hosting the pilot of their new media property- 'Who Wants To Count To A Million'? They'd given it to bloody Steve Wright In The Afternoon instead after pretty much telling me it was in the bag. Bastards!
Well, whatever. I couldn't give a flying fuck.
They'll soon come crawling back when they get complaints about how ugly he is.
up to it. Yet.
The biggest number I have personally counted to was when I was projecting future royalty payments on my new book about Cosmic Ordering.
So I was quite frankly flabbergasted that, even with lots of experience with big numbers, Endemol cheated me out of hosting the pilot of their new media property- 'Who Wants To Count To A Million'? They'd given it to bloody Steve Wright In The Afternoon instead after pretty much telling me it was in the bag. Bastards!
Well, whatever. I couldn't give a flying fuck.
They'll soon come crawling back when they get complaints about how ugly he is.
40
When people tell me '40,' what they're really meaning is my apparent age, which I have remained at since my mature and sensible, yet fun-loving crazy self (think youth activity centre manager) kept it wholesome on Swap Shop at a time when ITV were unleashing an unbridled torrent of filth that forever corrupted the kids. I'm talking TISWAS.
We kept ignoring it, plugging away at the Swap Shop roadshows and releasing that Hot Sauce record. We thought such depravity would just all blow over. But then the necessary restructuring of society on a more modern, corporate basis that Britain's Greatest Prime Minister, Margaret Dame Hilda Thatcher unleashed, led to a bewildering maelstrom of entrepreuneralism and coke mirrors, the high point of which was witnessing on a pub TV in London the good old British Bobby cracking the heads of subversive elements Somewhere up North. Our biggest companies and their lowliest employees were now freed from the tyranny of trade union practices, revolution and wage inflation. Somehow though, TISWAS slipped off the agenda. But not mine. Oh no. You're a dead man, Tarrant! Dead!
We kept ignoring it, plugging away at the Swap Shop roadshows and releasing that Hot Sauce record. We thought such depravity would just all blow over. But then the necessary restructuring of society on a more modern, corporate basis that Britain's Greatest Prime Minister, Margaret Dame Hilda Thatcher unleashed, led to a bewildering maelstrom of entrepreuneralism and coke mirrors, the high point of which was witnessing on a pub TV in London the good old British Bobby cracking the heads of subversive elements Somewhere up North. Our biggest companies and their lowliest employees were now freed from the tyranny of trade union practices, revolution and wage inflation. Somehow though, TISWAS slipped off the agenda. But not mine. Oh no. You're a dead man, Tarrant! Dead!
Cosmic Ordering with Amazon.co.uk
People say, "So Noel. You walk the walk these days, dude. Pretty much everyone now agrees that it was Blackburn who was a cunt all along. You've made the first ever seventh television comeback for someone with no obvious talent, save piloting helicopters. And now you've a book on Amazon worldwide with a 25% discount that's sure to be in Booksale in due course. What's it all about then? What do numbers really mean and how can I use them for my own selfish ends?"
To that, I say do me a favour and go buy the book.
But if I can, I will just introduce a basic concept here and use it as a patronizingly simplistic analogy to cosmic ordering that may just be disguising its vacuous core or crystallising its brilliant complexity (you can read it both ways- just like the word 'bottom' but hopefully not as unintentionally LOLworthy.)
So, imagine you've got this floor which you chuck your clothes on every night. Sure, they're probably Primark or charity shop, so what difference does a little mess make to your self esteem? It's negligible.
But you keep adding to that mess day by day, throughout your life, and sooner or later you're gonna lose your house keys, self respect, a small pet or family member and that's what Cosmic Ordering is not.
Cosmic Ordering is, in fact, the exact opposite."
To that, I say do me a favour and go buy the book.
But if I can, I will just introduce a basic concept here and use it as a patronizingly simplistic analogy to cosmic ordering that may just be disguising its vacuous core or crystallising its brilliant complexity (you can read it both ways- just like the word 'bottom' but hopefully not as unintentionally LOLworthy.)
So, imagine you've got this floor which you chuck your clothes on every night. Sure, they're probably Primark or charity shop, so what difference does a little mess make to your self esteem? It's negligible.
But you keep adding to that mess day by day, throughout your life, and sooner or later you're gonna lose your house keys, self respect, a small pet or family member and that's what Cosmic Ordering is not.
Cosmic Ordering is, in fact, the exact opposite."
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