Chapter 24

According to the ancient Chinese oracle, the Itching, 'change returns success' (except it's in Chinese).

This phrase was later used by that right weirdo Syd Barratt on Pink Floyd's first album, Piper At The Gates Of Dawn, according to the late John Peel, who I remember mumbling about it once in the Radio One FM in Medium Wave canteen back in '69.

Me and the totally loopy DLT were having a bun fight at the time, which was utterly hilarious, so whether he added anything to this is moot. Perhaps that fountain of knowledge Mike Reid was listening further, but I certainly wasn't. I was too busy getting sticky pink icing out of my beard. And I'm a tad too busy to ask Mike at the mo, what with filming 15 episodes of Deal Or No Deal each and every sodding day.

But if I can just come back to what the Itching says.

Change returns success.

Well, yes. Up to a point. But if the 'change' we're talking about is the 50p or 10p that you end up with at the end of a disastrous run on DOND, then change doesn't return success at all.

In fact, it returns a humiliating failure in front of a televisual audience of millions. Plus the two dozen box monkeys having second thoughts about the veracity of your 'system'.